Boring, Boring, Bored...except for the snitching!

Two weeks ago the Top Chef equivalent of the blooper reel in any Will Ferrel movie was commencing...Restaurant Wars!  For those of us who watch the show we know this to be a very anticipated event, sometimes much better than the finale, where two teams are made and compete against each other in a mock restaurant.  It's a true battle between the few who will rise, perfuming the kitchen with their talent and reveled in praise...and those untalented few who will crumple to the bottom of the stove, burn under the heat, stink up the kitchen and eventually scraped off with a spatula.

For those of you who did watch...what's up with that Alex, huh?  How much did you want to smack him in his pointy head after he talked to the waiters like he was made of diamonds?  He reminded me of a sad little man who, for the first time and last time ever, obtained a smidge, a molecule of power and let it go to his ego tripping head.  The argument that followed after the Judge's Table where Kenny's team attacked Alex in that cooler room would normally make me feel bad for Alex, he was given a pretty hard bitch slap of words from Kevin and Alex did look pretty pathetic.  However, I just remember him yelling like a petulant child at waiters only fifteen minutes before and any empathy I may have had evaporated.

Kenny's team, the bottom team of the night, ratted out Alex who was on the winning team to the judges.  They tattle-taled on him like it was a school play ground and Tom was the teacher's aide with a whistle.  But Kenny's team was right, Alex did not do anything for his team other than play Fidel Castro in the dining room.  Everyone was supposed to compose or create a dish...Alex's team, fearing his inevitable f-up, went ahead and did it for him...and what viewer would blame them.  Everything he touches turns to cat vomit.  When Kenny's team called him out on it, he lied, of course.  And to the judge's, it didn't matter, I guess because Alex was on the winning team and therefore immune to elimination.

RIP KENNY

Kenny was ultimately kicked out of the kitchen, not a move I was adverse to, he certainly wasn't as good a chef as he claims, he wasn't so much "Big Daddy" as he was "Kinda Lame Duck Who Overdoes Every Dish I Make."  

However, it was just another bullet Alex has dodged and I am seriously wondering what is going on with the show's producers.  He keeps skirting the rules and he keeps on truckin'?  Where is the fairness, Top Chef? 

Oh...and that idiot Amanda is still here.  Surviving yet another episode.  After she was told that her meat was not cooked well, that it was too thinly sliced and overdone, she seriously said, "Wow, I'm really surprised.  That's not what I was going for."  Really?  Really, that wasn't what you were going for?  You were not purposely trying to cook crap food?  Weird!  I wonder what happened?  Oh yeah, it might have something to do with the bitching the whole episode about how the meat was grassfed and "weird" and you did not know how to cook it properly.  That's just a guess.

This show...gah...will be my future aneurysm.

So this isn't exactly mine...

My friend Jenny (shout out!) took me to St. Louis' number one rated restaurant for my birthday last year, Niche. It was amazing.  For dessert we ordered the only thing that you could possibly order when it is an option on the menu...the Chocolate Lava Cake with Chocolate Coconut Ice Cream (picture above).   

So for her birthday, I decided I would make Jenny a chocolate lava cake.  It wasn't too bad...not Niche good...but homemade great.  It was so easy I felt like a master chef.  So here is the recipe, no picture :(, but it doesn't look too much different from above.  I left it in the ramekin and had no chocolate swirl...maybe next time.  

Martha Stewart's Great Food Fast

4 tablespoons unsalted butter, at room temp, plus more for ramekins

1/3 cup granulated sugar, plus more for ramekins

3 large eggs

1/3 cup all purpose flour

1/4 teaspoon salt

8 ounces bittersweet chocolate melted

confectioner's sugar, for dusting

whipped cream for serving (YEAH RIGHT!  GET ICE CREAM...MUCH BETTER!)

1. preheat oven to 400 degrees..  generously butter 4 ramekins.  dust with granulated sugar and tap out excess.  set aside.

2. in the bowl of an electric mixer, cream the butter and granulated sugar until fluffly.  add the eggs one at a time, beating well after each addition.  with the mixer on low speed, beat in the flour and salt until just combined.  beat in the chocolate (do not overmix).  divide the batter evenly amont the prepared ramekins.

3. place the ramekins on a baking sheet, bake just until tops of the cakes no longer jiggle when the pan is lightly shaken, 8-10 minutes.  removed from the oven, let stand for 10 minutes. 

4. to serve, turn our the cakes, and place on serving plates, top sides up.  dust with confectioners sugar and serve with whipped cream ice cream.  

The trick is don't overbake.  I checked on the cakes after 8 minutes and let them go one more minute...they were perfect.  

Good luck!

Alex Stole that Pea Puree!

After working four years in a jail a few things becoming completely evident.  1. Both men and women are disgusting in different but completely equivalent ways. 2. People think traffic tickets are something police hand out for fun. 3. People lie about EVERYTHING and if you even have a feeling that someone is being anything other than totally truthful, you're probably right.

 Ed vs. Alex 

And that leads me to Top Chef's Alex & Ed.  Alex and that green goop that he stole from Ed in Episode 7: Power Lunch.  Now I hate peas.  They have a weird taste I have never acquired, they have too smooshy a consistency and if they are not covered in gravy from the pot pie they are in, forget it, I'm not eating them.  So to have all this controversy over that vegetable is kinda giggly.  Two grown men fighting over baby food is never all that cool anyway...and these two are exactly the coolest guys to start with.
However, Bravo has to get it's drama where it can.  And it's amazing to me that Alex is allowed to get away with this.  Tom Coliccio's blog said that maybe Ed didn't actually believe that Alex stole his pea puree.  Huh?  Alex has never been a strong contender, he has not won any quickfires or eliminations up to this point.  He is the one everyone agrees, "Why is this man still here??"  All the chefs knew Alex stole the puree.  All the viewers know Alex stole the puree.  Tom doesn't want to admit what he knows to be true because Alex ended up winning for the night...and what did the judge's keep raving over?  The same thing that was vomited out of the exorcist girl--pea puree.

Ed played it cool at Judge's table, though, it was impressive.  They were both in the top three.  It was a smart move in Ed's part, the judge's hate sore losers or sore winners.  They want everyone to be moderately humble as though it was a surprise to the contestants that they had any talent in the kitchen whatsoever.  So we are left knowing that a contestant cheated...not just cheated, but straight up committed a crime like a bastard.  Just another lovely f-you to the viewers of Top Chef.

Ah well, we should be used to it by now, right?

Well...It's that Time of Year Again...

...to be bitterly and utterly disappointed by my frenemy,  Bravo TV's Top Chef.  For the past two years, the judges have literally picked the person voted Least Likely to Succeed as the ultimate champion and it makes me want to lapse into my awkward teens and cry.  At the announcement of the bucktooth mongoloid that they pick, tears well up and I have to learn to control myself again.

After having some sort of severe brain lapse, I forgot that the show was on until last week, but thankfully Bravo aired the first two together so I didn't have to miss a moment.  Which is good because I know so many people, including my sister, who now refuses to watch after that little D-Bag Michael Voltaggio won and now I'll have to be the lone reporter to my friends who were so bitterly disappointed that they have now given up on a world bathed in fairness.

The contenders for Season 7 don't seem as strong as last year, but that could be editing right now.  And, luckily for all of us, there was a WHOLE LOT of narking on people during Judge's Table.  It was totally uncomfortable and hilarious!  Oh!  And can I just say, Padma's boobs are OUT OF CONTROL!  Holy crap!  She's just had a baby and they're like all in our faces...they were pretty distracting...even to a girl.  As the contest goes on I'll have more in depth analysis of who should win, who I hate and who I have to scream at into the TV just like he/she can hear every word.

I will comment on this one idiot girl though...Amanda Baumgarten.  Jeezus, if whining about only being a sous chef and other chefs doubting her talents was an Olympic sport, Amanda would probably come home with at least a busted lip.  She is already grating my nerves with her comments like, "He picked me because he didn't think I'd be competition.  He was so wrong!"  And her pouting, doe-eyed looks to the camera.  She took the cake, however, for being the girl most likely to Embarrass Herself on National TV by Doing Something so Ridiculous It was Hilarious when she decided a good entre to serve to a bunch of Elementary School Kids would be sherry braised chicken thighs.  Sherry. Braised.  Now I'm no mother or anything, but I assume you want your kids to cut back on the liquor during school hours?  Can I get a shout out from all the mothers?

Oh...and her chicken looked like this: 

Gross.

Alas.

To celebrate the return of Top Chef I prepared an easy but impressive appearing meal that is sure to deceptively amaze its recipients.  Tikka Masala Bay Scallop sand Potatoes with a Cucumber Yogurt Sauce!

Umm... Does everyone have one of these?  You should.  You should buy one now.  Rice cookers are like God's little domestic service people.  It makes perfect rice EVERY.  TIME.  

Cut up and core a cucumber.  I only used about a 1/4 of this giant cucumber.  

Mince some chives and cilantro.

Mix the cucumber and herbs with one of those little cups of plain yogurt.  I don't know how much that is.  Like a serving size thingy.  

Mix it all together!  You can add some salt and pepper to taste but, remember, that the Tikka sauce is part of the meal and this yogurt sauce is supposed to be cool and refreshing.

This is the brand I used.  Although its curry its really not too strong...and I am a huge pansy.  

You could also make this stuff from scratch, but, this tastes delish.

Cut all the potatoes evenly and fry them up.  

Dry your bay scallops on a paper towel to get a little sear going when you put them in the pan.

They're becoming friends...still a little hesitant.  

Like an 8th grade school dance.

That rice is ready!!  See how perfect?  Told ya!

Now they're having a threesome with the Tikka sauce.  

My, they grow up so fast.

Combine et voila!  I threw some flat bread in the toaster oven for a few 

minutes and it was a perfect accompaniment.  

Now let's see those Top Chefs make some great food and piss me off!  Woo!

A Football Team's Mac & Cheese

Isn't he adorables?

My cat puked up his lunch seven times in the past four days.  I say lunch, har-har, but he puked up breakfast and dinner too in a triangular path of puky destruction from my tiny apartment in the beautiful Central West End to the tents those poor reindeer eating bastards in the Russian tundra inhabit. 

As he now lays here in m arms, snuggled in all his fatty softness, wishing his tummy did not hurt so much and thanking the good cat lord he has such an awesome cat mother, we both cant help but wonder…whats for dinner?

I almost dismissed Jamie Oliver because Gweneth Paltrow loves him.  Enough said on that.  But he is doing some good stuff with the lard lovers the nation over and my mom got me his awesome cookbook for Easter. I bought the supplies for this side dish feast about a week ago and the cauliflower was not hanging on like a soldier in the crisper.  It was more sagging and turning brown like Amy Winehouse.  I thought I better make this macaroni and cheese or I'm just throwing my money away.  

I changed the recipe a bit to make it less for that skinny girl you know that can eat whatever she wants and maintains a certain amount of dignity in Macy's dressing room and more for someone watching their expanding girth.  I used whole wheat macaroni, light sour cream and fat free cheese.  I don't know.  I'm sure it would have tasted better the other way but I'm trying to avoid food guilt right now...and I still have that freezer full of cookies to avoid.

 

Cut up some cauliflower...1/2 a head.  And then good freaking luck deciding what the do with the rest of the cauliflower considering how disgusting of a vegetable it is.

Cut up some herbs.  The recipe called for parsley.  I used thyme and chives.  

Big shout out to Charlene (my moms) for the greens!

Bring your water to a boil.  Throw in your noodles and cauliflower.

Mix all your cheeses and sour cream up.  Throw in your chopped herbs. I love this bowl of cheese.  And I love this part in the recipe process when I haven't screwed anything up yet...

 Here's where it gets a little bizarre.  Oliver wants you to melt the cheese in a heatproof bowl over your boiling noodles/cauliflower.  Fine.  Sure...if you can get that bowl to not boil over and drown out your pilot light, you're my motherflippin hero.  I changed burners three motherlovin' times.  

What the what?!  

Drain your noodles, add your cheese, mix.  If it doesn't mix correctly, save some of that noodle drainage and add the starchy water to the mix.  

(I decided in my persistantly self destructive decision making process that I didn't need to do that...and that was a mistake...)

  Holy crap.  How much was this supposed to make?  

 I'm going to have to feed some to my cat just to get rid of it...and then he'll puke again!!!!!  

 If you don't have a football team living in your basement, you might want to go ahead and freeze some of that macaroni.  Take the rest, pop it into a baking dish.  

Stand by.  Drool.  Wonder why the broiler doesn't work faster.  Clean up some cat puke.  Take a call from your grandmother.  Do whatever you need to to keep your face off the toaster oven.

Mac & Cheese.  Good Lord, Yes!

Quote from My Boyfriend

 Vs. 

Anthony Bourdain imparts this load of wisdom when he admirable attempts to describe a sandwich that was made in a "restaurant" inside a liquor store in sunny San Francisco.
After discovering the five pound burger, which included sausage, egg, cheese AND a hotdog, was being finished off with slices of fresh avocado:

...Mama said, ya know, never eat anything bigger than your head.  

But I think we’re approaching Giada de 

Laurentiis’ size head.  Big f*cking head. 

Avocado Pie

There was a distinct scoff.  Even over a text.  "Gross," my sister texted back.  I had just told her I was going to make something called Avocado Pie and I was really exciting about the prospect.  I love avocados.  Actually, that is a bit of an understatement.  If I could I would sit on a deserted beach in a lounge chair with a bag of salty chips and a freshly sliced avocado-- I would sit there and dip and chomp until the sun scorched my body and my skin peeled away.
I thought Avocado Pie sounded delicious.
"It's sweet not savory, I think it sounds really good!"
She was not convinced.

I brought it home for my parents, my step grandma and my brother.  My mom guessed right away what it was (a little disturbing) and I had to tell her and my stepgrandma to keep its true identity quiet.  There is no way on this green earth that my brother or my step dad would eat anything as revolting sounding at Avocado Pie.  I can see my brother putting up his hand in my face and quickly waving it as if to say goodbye, his eyes closed tight and I swear, his brain completing melting.  It would go to waste if they knew what it actually was.

I've been caught before with these two.  Once I made squash fritters and told them they were potato pancakes.  They ate them and even told me they liked them.  I was found out later by another who was in on the secret in the hopes he was going to teach my brother and step dad a lesson.  No such luck.  They both insisted they really didn't like the fritters as much as they had said and would never touch them again.  I have not been able to live that one down and I now am always given the third degree when I make something and am reminded of the one time I swindled them into eating a vegetable that was not "french fries."

I told both my brother and my step dad that it was "kinda like key lime pie..." and they seemed to buy it.  With the lemon and lime juices in the pie, it wasn't too far off.  I was just happy that they both ate their pieces and said they liked it.  The avocado taste is very subtle, it tastes a lot like a lemon/lime cheesecake.

Anyway... Here's hoping we can keep this one secret :)


A few items that came up:
1. I used a low-fat cream cheese which I think is not actually cream cheese.  When the recipe says that the batter should be getting fluffy, I noticed that mine never did.  I wasn't exactly sure what was going on soI persevered.  What I'm saying is...don't be fat stingy...just use the regular cream cheese.
2. I went ahead and used a store bought graham cracker crust.  I bought a chocolate one to further intice my brother and step dad.
3. My pie NEVER set.  Long after four hours in the fridge, it was still as watery as my fat ass cat's belly.  It took a little while to come up with a solution and I considered throwing it out.  I decided it would become a frozen pie.  It worked.  I think it gave it an extra something...very summery.  Next time I am going to get some chocolate shavings to put on the top to make it look prettier.
4. I know it sounds like a wierdo pie you would see at some 4H bake sale in the south, but its good!  Try it!