Well...It's that Time of Year Again...

...to be bitterly and utterly disappointed by my frenemy,  Bravo TV's Top Chef.  For the past two years, the judges have literally picked the person voted Least Likely to Succeed as the ultimate champion and it makes me want to lapse into my awkward teens and cry.  At the announcement of the bucktooth mongoloid that they pick, tears well up and I have to learn to control myself again.

After having some sort of severe brain lapse, I forgot that the show was on until last week, but thankfully Bravo aired the first two together so I didn't have to miss a moment.  Which is good because I know so many people, including my sister, who now refuses to watch after that little D-Bag Michael Voltaggio won and now I'll have to be the lone reporter to my friends who were so bitterly disappointed that they have now given up on a world bathed in fairness.

The contenders for Season 7 don't seem as strong as last year, but that could be editing right now.  And, luckily for all of us, there was a WHOLE LOT of narking on people during Judge's Table.  It was totally uncomfortable and hilarious!  Oh!  And can I just say, Padma's boobs are OUT OF CONTROL!  Holy crap!  She's just had a baby and they're like all in our faces...they were pretty distracting...even to a girl.  As the contest goes on I'll have more in depth analysis of who should win, who I hate and who I have to scream at into the TV just like he/she can hear every word.

I will comment on this one idiot girl though...Amanda Baumgarten.  Jeezus, if whining about only being a sous chef and other chefs doubting her talents was an Olympic sport, Amanda would probably come home with at least a busted lip.  She is already grating my nerves with her comments like, "He picked me because he didn't think I'd be competition.  He was so wrong!"  And her pouting, doe-eyed looks to the camera.  She took the cake, however, for being the girl most likely to Embarrass Herself on National TV by Doing Something so Ridiculous It was Hilarious when she decided a good entre to serve to a bunch of Elementary School Kids would be sherry braised chicken thighs.  Sherry. Braised.  Now I'm no mother or anything, but I assume you want your kids to cut back on the liquor during school hours?  Can I get a shout out from all the mothers?

Oh...and her chicken looked like this: 

Gross.

Alas.

To celebrate the return of Top Chef I prepared an easy but impressive appearing meal that is sure to deceptively amaze its recipients.  Tikka Masala Bay Scallop sand Potatoes with a Cucumber Yogurt Sauce!

Umm... Does everyone have one of these?  You should.  You should buy one now.  Rice cookers are like God's little domestic service people.  It makes perfect rice EVERY.  TIME.  

Cut up and core a cucumber.  I only used about a 1/4 of this giant cucumber.  

Mince some chives and cilantro.

Mix the cucumber and herbs with one of those little cups of plain yogurt.  I don't know how much that is.  Like a serving size thingy.  

Mix it all together!  You can add some salt and pepper to taste but, remember, that the Tikka sauce is part of the meal and this yogurt sauce is supposed to be cool and refreshing.

This is the brand I used.  Although its curry its really not too strong...and I am a huge pansy.  

You could also make this stuff from scratch, but, this tastes delish.

Cut all the potatoes evenly and fry them up.  

Dry your bay scallops on a paper towel to get a little sear going when you put them in the pan.

They're becoming friends...still a little hesitant.  

Like an 8th grade school dance.

That rice is ready!!  See how perfect?  Told ya!

Now they're having a threesome with the Tikka sauce.  

My, they grow up so fast.

Combine et voila!  I threw some flat bread in the toaster oven for a few 

minutes and it was a perfect accompaniment.  

Now let's see those Top Chefs make some great food and piss me off!  Woo!

A Football Team's Mac & Cheese

Isn't he adorables?

My cat puked up his lunch seven times in the past four days.  I say lunch, har-har, but he puked up breakfast and dinner too in a triangular path of puky destruction from my tiny apartment in the beautiful Central West End to the tents those poor reindeer eating bastards in the Russian tundra inhabit. 

As he now lays here in m arms, snuggled in all his fatty softness, wishing his tummy did not hurt so much and thanking the good cat lord he has such an awesome cat mother, we both cant help but wonder…whats for dinner?

I almost dismissed Jamie Oliver because Gweneth Paltrow loves him.  Enough said on that.  But he is doing some good stuff with the lard lovers the nation over and my mom got me his awesome cookbook for Easter. I bought the supplies for this side dish feast about a week ago and the cauliflower was not hanging on like a soldier in the crisper.  It was more sagging and turning brown like Amy Winehouse.  I thought I better make this macaroni and cheese or I'm just throwing my money away.  

I changed the recipe a bit to make it less for that skinny girl you know that can eat whatever she wants and maintains a certain amount of dignity in Macy's dressing room and more for someone watching their expanding girth.  I used whole wheat macaroni, light sour cream and fat free cheese.  I don't know.  I'm sure it would have tasted better the other way but I'm trying to avoid food guilt right now...and I still have that freezer full of cookies to avoid.

 

Cut up some cauliflower...1/2 a head.  And then good freaking luck deciding what the do with the rest of the cauliflower considering how disgusting of a vegetable it is.

Cut up some herbs.  The recipe called for parsley.  I used thyme and chives.  

Big shout out to Charlene (my moms) for the greens!

Bring your water to a boil.  Throw in your noodles and cauliflower.

Mix all your cheeses and sour cream up.  Throw in your chopped herbs. I love this bowl of cheese.  And I love this part in the recipe process when I haven't screwed anything up yet...

 Here's where it gets a little bizarre.  Oliver wants you to melt the cheese in a heatproof bowl over your boiling noodles/cauliflower.  Fine.  Sure...if you can get that bowl to not boil over and drown out your pilot light, you're my motherflippin hero.  I changed burners three motherlovin' times.  

What the what?!  

Drain your noodles, add your cheese, mix.  If it doesn't mix correctly, save some of that noodle drainage and add the starchy water to the mix.  

(I decided in my persistantly self destructive decision making process that I didn't need to do that...and that was a mistake...)

  Holy crap.  How much was this supposed to make?  

 I'm going to have to feed some to my cat just to get rid of it...and then he'll puke again!!!!!  

 If you don't have a football team living in your basement, you might want to go ahead and freeze some of that macaroni.  Take the rest, pop it into a baking dish.  

Stand by.  Drool.  Wonder why the broiler doesn't work faster.  Clean up some cat puke.  Take a call from your grandmother.  Do whatever you need to to keep your face off the toaster oven.

Mac & Cheese.  Good Lord, Yes!

Quote from My Boyfriend

 Vs. 

Anthony Bourdain imparts this load of wisdom when he admirable attempts to describe a sandwich that was made in a "restaurant" inside a liquor store in sunny San Francisco.
After discovering the five pound burger, which included sausage, egg, cheese AND a hotdog, was being finished off with slices of fresh avocado:

...Mama said, ya know, never eat anything bigger than your head.  

But I think we’re approaching Giada de 

Laurentiis’ size head.  Big f*cking head. 

Avocado Pie

There was a distinct scoff.  Even over a text.  "Gross," my sister texted back.  I had just told her I was going to make something called Avocado Pie and I was really exciting about the prospect.  I love avocados.  Actually, that is a bit of an understatement.  If I could I would sit on a deserted beach in a lounge chair with a bag of salty chips and a freshly sliced avocado-- I would sit there and dip and chomp until the sun scorched my body and my skin peeled away.
I thought Avocado Pie sounded delicious.
"It's sweet not savory, I think it sounds really good!"
She was not convinced.

I brought it home for my parents, my step grandma and my brother.  My mom guessed right away what it was (a little disturbing) and I had to tell her and my stepgrandma to keep its true identity quiet.  There is no way on this green earth that my brother or my step dad would eat anything as revolting sounding at Avocado Pie.  I can see my brother putting up his hand in my face and quickly waving it as if to say goodbye, his eyes closed tight and I swear, his brain completing melting.  It would go to waste if they knew what it actually was.

I've been caught before with these two.  Once I made squash fritters and told them they were potato pancakes.  They ate them and even told me they liked them.  I was found out later by another who was in on the secret in the hopes he was going to teach my brother and step dad a lesson.  No such luck.  They both insisted they really didn't like the fritters as much as they had said and would never touch them again.  I have not been able to live that one down and I now am always given the third degree when I make something and am reminded of the one time I swindled them into eating a vegetable that was not "french fries."

I told both my brother and my step dad that it was "kinda like key lime pie..." and they seemed to buy it.  With the lemon and lime juices in the pie, it wasn't too far off.  I was just happy that they both ate their pieces and said they liked it.  The avocado taste is very subtle, it tastes a lot like a lemon/lime cheesecake.

Anyway... Here's hoping we can keep this one secret :)


A few items that came up:
1. I used a low-fat cream cheese which I think is not actually cream cheese.  When the recipe says that the batter should be getting fluffy, I noticed that mine never did.  I wasn't exactly sure what was going on soI persevered.  What I'm saying is...don't be fat stingy...just use the regular cream cheese.
2. I went ahead and used a store bought graham cracker crust.  I bought a chocolate one to further intice my brother and step dad.
3. My pie NEVER set.  Long after four hours in the fridge, it was still as watery as my fat ass cat's belly.  It took a little while to come up with a solution and I considered throwing it out.  I decided it would become a frozen pie.  It worked.  I think it gave it an extra something...very summery.  Next time I am going to get some chocolate shavings to put on the top to make it look prettier.
4. I know it sounds like a wierdo pie you would see at some 4H bake sale in the south, but its good!  Try it!

Lunch for One!

Since I am a one I am always trying to calm my one person's cravings.  Since I always have major food guilt issues, I try and come up with something half/way healthy hitting as many food groups as I can.  I am on Weight Watcher's after all (hah).

Today I was ravenous after my workout.  And since exercise is an especially rare bird itself in the Forest of Crystal I really wanted to eat healthy soI could pat myself on the back instead of cry on the floor of my closet.
(Don't even ask me how many cookies I ate yesterday.  Really.  Don't ask me.  I didn't count.)

I live and die by my toaster oven.  I think most ones do. 

 I threw some turkey and low fat cheese on a whole wheat flatbread and toasted it in the oven.  

I added some "homemade" coleslaw I put together yesterday.  It's homemade in the way Food Network's Sandra Lee "homemakes things."  She doesn't.  I bought all the veggies cut up and added Miracle Whip, grainy mustard, vinegar, sugar, olive oil and salt &pepper.  

I added some vegetarian baked beans to the plate and enjoyed!  

And I made this one the other day.  I got the little blue pot from a friend a year ago or so and I had been using it for a candle holder.  Stupid.  I didn't think about all the cute little things I could cook up and then gobble up.  Now that the cloudy headed veil has been pulled, I will have to buy more and treat my friends to little meals!  I mean, maybe I could get one friend to come over...if I ask nicely.  

Just a little eggs, cheese, salt & pepper.  Cooked until set with a side of fries!  

  

Professional Bridesmaid

I had been a Maid of Honor in three weddings in three years.  Let that just sink in.  I have heard all the "27 Dresses" jokes so you can go ahead and keep those.  Yes, a lot of work.  A lot of traveling.  A lot of stress and a lot of fun.

I enjoyed so many aspects of being a VIP in someone's wedding.  But I really enjoyed planning the parties.  To brag on my mad party planning skillz, I'll be throwing up some blogs on my talents.  Here is the first one...

Amanda 2007

I had absolutely no help whatsoever.  It was really ri-diculous.  

The spread...It was a tapas-type menu. 

That garden in the back was all me.  I miss!

Pink & Green is one of the bride to be's favorite color combos. 

We made Sangria the night before.  

It did not last long...I way underestimated the power of drunk fruit.  

Amanda is the one in yellow.

These were the favors.  It is a highly requested chocolate chip cookie that I make.  I put them in CD wrappers and placed the sticker on the front.  I thought they went over pretty well!

Chocolate cake for the big bang finish.  Could have done a bit better. 

 Obviously wasn't cool enough to frost yet and I didn't make enough icing...ahhh...hindsight.  I did like the color of the flowers and the green icing together, though...pretty.

Nigella Makes Us All Look Bad

Nigella Lawson makes cooking look way too easy.  (Except the physical cooking aspect.  If you have ever seen her show she looks all spasy all the time and I'm pretty sure there is hair and boobs in every dish she makes.) So easy you just know you should have already been able to make that dish with no help...if you were better and more talented.  She even writes books on the subject making her argument all the more convincing.  It really does not help my ego to know that the recipes are in fact just that delicious and easy to create.

I digress.  Today I took a recipe from Nigella's Book, aptly (and quite frankly, a little egoistically) titled Nigella Express.  I love this book.  It's cute and pink with little 50s style cartoons to introduce each chapter and, dammit, all the food is good and simple.  I guess if you pretend you made the recipe yourself instead of borrowing it for a limited time from a cookbook, there is no way she can make you look bad.  Unfortunately for me I've always been a bad liar.  

I decided to make a potato gratin, a pretty healthy one, by gratin standards.  

Cut up a couple of potatoes and onions and bring to a boil them with 1 1/3 cup of milk, three tablespoons of alcohol, salt & pepper.  

(I used beer although the book says white wine.  But I didn't want to buy a bottle of wine and have it sit in the bottom of my fridge all lonely and unused save for three tablespoons.)

Cook up some mushrooms with olive oil and garlic while the potatoes simmer.  

Mix the two together and smell the magic happen!

I baked this a little longer than was probably necessary. (425 degrees) The recipe says 45 minutes but its really unnecessary if you didn't use the whole three potatoes it calls for in the book.  Just keep checking on it after 30 minutes.  It's supposed to be creamy inside and crispy on top.

The finished project.  I think this will be great with any kind of meat or an couple fried eggs.